“Jesus, Jesus,” her heart cried as the tears welled up in her eyes, readying themselves to pour over the ground below in worship to their King. Her heart was overwhelmed, and all she wanted to do was weep. Her eyes danced around the room, watching those around her. Some were mesmerized by the show, some in awe of the music and props, others bored and tired. “Can they not see?” she thought, “can they not see how beautiful He truly is?” Her heart was screaming out His beauty as her eyes watched the actors portray the story of Christ. “Oh Jesus,” she wept, “you are so beautiful; more than I can ever say.” His holiness radiated around that room as her heart aligned with His. These moments were her favorite, when a simple truth, like the fact that He is holy and beautiful, completely wreaked her world, and she was left wanting to laugh uncontrollably while also wanting to sink to the floor and sob at His goodness. “Oh, Jesus. Jesus,” she uttered as the words fell short compared to what she wanted to say. His Spirit was heavy on that place, and she basked in His wonder for a moment longer. “I leave the ninety nine for the one,” Jesus said. “But Jesus,” the disciples cried out, “he’s unclean! Stay away; Teacher, stay away!” Jesus walked right past them, His hand reaching out for the leper in front of Him. He said, “be healed,” as He fell forward and embraced the man behind the disease. “No!” the disciples screamed, appalled that their Teacher would touch someone who is guaranteed to pass the sickness on to Him. Jesus sank to His knees, embracing the man, holding Him, and letting His hug speak love and life over him. “Be healed,” He echoed, “be healed.” Oh, her heart couldn’t handle it anymore; that He would touch us in our filth, completely blind to the fact that it could taint Him, but rather completely aware of that fact that His Holiness would make us clean. She wanted to melt into the feeling of love and wonder she was experiencing. “Jesus, it’s like falling in love with You all over again. I feel like I am seeing You for the first time. I love you so much, far more than my words could ever say.”

Oh, if they only knew…

I left the Jesus production at Sight and Sound Lancaster full of wonder, feeling like I wanted to weep, and fully conscious of the presence of my King by my side. It’s still been hard to put into words what my heart felt watching that musical, but I feel as though I was reintroduced to the heart of Love again. I teared up so many times during the show, but I couldn’t bring myself to let go and just weep. Yes, there were strangers all around me, but in that moment I was hyper-aware of my husband’s presence next to me. Now, my husband has seen me at my absolute worst. He was seen me at my best. He was seen me weep, laugh until I pee myself, and everything in between. I am not embarrassed to cry in front of him, so why I couldn’t weep because he was next to me was weird for me. The following night I laid thinking about the show and all that happened in my heart. I was questioning God about why I couldn’t have a full let go in front of my husband, and I felt God asking if I would be intimate with my husband in front of someone, or simply if I would have a super lovey-dovey moment with him in front of even my closest girl friends. I understood exactly what He was saying. The moments between just my husband and I are for simply us, moments for us to grow closer together, to get to know each other, and to spend time in each other’s presences. It’s the same with our Heavenly Bridegroom. That moment of weeping before the Lord is for Him and I; it is something that will happen alone in my room, without anyone around, because it is so intimate. It is a King chasing His bride, a Prince winning the heart of His beloved. Even though my husband is my closest earthly companion, He is not my Heavenly Prince, and there must be moments sacredly reserved for Him and I. Jesus worked something in my heart that day, and it is something that is for Him and I, something for us to experience together and to cherish as we grow in intimacy with each other. It brought my world that much closer to the reality of the Kingdom, and opened up a deep ache in my heart for the world to know Him.

Oh, if they only knew…

The following days she continued to be hyper-aware of her King beside her. Her heart was screaming, shouting to the world, “don’t you see?! Can you not see how beautiful He is? Can you not see how much He adores you?” Oh, how she wanted everyone to experience this, and yet, she was internally fighting with the idea of missions and how the Gospel is portrayed to the world around her. Daily, she would see posts on social media of people trying to explain Jesus or using the name of God to insult others and people misrepresenting His love and Holiness. It just felt to her as though something was very wrong with how Christians portrayed God. She adored international missions, and she adored national missions. Many years before, the Lord had called her into the mission field, to never step out again, and to live her life in a way that brought Him glory. She had just left a cafe after meeting with a dear friend, and again, she was reminded of how much God loves the world, enough even to die in it’s place. For you see, her friend and her had spent a great deal of time talking about religions and missions, and she shocked even herself with what had come out of her mouth, but the more she thought it, the more she believed it. “You would do the world a disservice if you were another Christian that brought Christianity to the Nations,” she had said to her friend. “Bring Christ to the Nations. We don’t need more Christianity. We need Jesus. We need the man that would dive to the ground to hug the leper, who would cross oceans for the demon-possessed, who would hang on a tree, broken and bruised, blood pouring from His weak body, unrecognizable, for us. FOR US. For us…” “Oh Jesus. Forgive my unbelief,” she uttered. “Forgive me for all the times I brought Christianity, religion, and rules to the people around me. Forgive me for the times I did not do you justice, for you are so beautiful.”

Oh, if they only knew…

It’s not uncommon for me to hear people talking about grace and the love of Jesus that covers sins, and yet those same people cannot bring themselves to believe the Old Testament because it does not seem like God is one of love in those books. My heart aches with this misconception. We need the Old Testament and the New together to understand the Holy Majesty of God, that in His overwhelming grace and love for humanity, He would step down from His throne, become like us, and die in our place. His Holiness is the reason we have a way to reach Heaven; without it, we would be nothing. His grace led me to repentance, and His majesty leads me to walk in constant renewal and sanctification. There is a crazy beautiful thing that happens when Holiness reaches out to humanity, in our brokenness, and embraces us. That holiness rubs off, and we become clean, instantly. Then as life continues, and the filth gets on our feet again, and the dust covers our legs, we are sanctified only if we are walking next to Holiness, that He would rub off on us again. As I spend my life walking with Him, I become more and more like Him. You become what you behold. Now, I feel as though many people believe God has a set of rules to follow, things to do and not to do in order to be right with Him. When you accept Christ as your Savior, understanding that we were all headed for Hell because we have all sinned and fallen short of Holiness, you understand that Christ, being Holy and Pure, came to earth and paved the way to Heaven, that when we accept Him and allow Him to embrace us, His Holiness covers us. Yet, because He is Holy, He desires us to walk like Him, to be like Him, and to point others to Him. I do not follow His commands because He would be upset if I didn’t. I do not follow His commands to get to Heaven; I’m already there. I follow His commands because I adore Him, and because I have found no love greater, no person stronger, and no one more enticing than my Holy Spirit. Oh, child, if you only knew. If you only knew how wonderful He is. If you only knew how beautiful He is. If you only knew how Holy He is.

Oh, if they only knew…

There she sat, tears welling up again as she simply whispered His Name. Jesus. It felt like a breath of fresh air escaping her dried lips, a spring of new life breaking through the winter frost. “Jesus, help them know. I want them to know. If they only could see you the way I do right now, to feel Your Holiness, to be overwhelmed by Your Majesty, and in awe that we get to be Your children, sitting on the lap of the God of creation, the King of kings, the Name above all names, and whom we get to call, Papa. I get to call You Papa. Oh, Jesus, I’m overwhelmed and so not worthy to call You Papa, and yet, you call me daughter. Before the foundations of the world, You called me daughter, and You knew I would stray from my inheritance, so You had a plan. You had a plan to not only save the sinner in me, but to redeem the daughter in me. You had a plan for me. You HAVE a plan for me, and it is so, so good. I will spend my days bringing Jesus to the “Christians,” to the ones who know religion but do not know You, the ones who know theology but do not understand Holy love and intimacy with God.” Her heart screamed these things to her Papa as she breathed Him in, exhaling the hardships and trial, and inhaling His Holy Mercy. She knew that was her calling: to be Jesus to the religious, to bring Christ to the Christians, and to echo the heart of God, in all of it’s Holiness and in all of it’s Mercy. Just as Jesus wept for Lazarus and the reality of death and the fall of mankind, so would her heart weep for those around her. She knew her heart would always ache for those around her to know, for if they knew… if they only knew.

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